Isn’t There, Like, A Recession Or Something?

The news irritates me.

I don’t CARE if “A-Rod” was taking performance-enhancing drugs in 2003.  I don’t care if he’s snorting coke off the ass of a prostitute in the red light district right this very moment.  I don’t care if YOU are snorting coke off the ass of a  prostitute in the red light district.  I don’t care if Obama smokes cigarettes.  I don’t care if Bush was a cokehead.  I don’t care whether or not Clinton inhaled.  It’s none of my motherfucking business and it’s none of yours either and the world would be a much better place if we’d all mind our own P’s and Q’s.

(Sidebar: Yes, I understand that performance-enhancing drugs make for a less level playing field in sports.  I just cannot believe that it’s being covered with such fervor in mainstream media.  Isn’t there like a recession or something important going on?)

I also don’t care whether or not Chris Brown hit Rihanna.  Really and truly.  I do not give a fuck.

I care even less that Denise Richards is going to be on Dancing With The Stars.

And I’m tired of the octuplets’ mother.  She is a crazy bitch.  I get it.  Where the hell is Child Protective Services?  She already has six kids living in a three-bedroom house with her and her parents.  The minimum standard for FOSTER CHILDREN is that they must have a space of their own, including a bed and dresser, and that there must be a window in the room and it must be at least 10′x12′ (or something like that, depending on the state).  If she can’t take care of them according to the woefully low standards we as a society have set for foster kids, then she doesn’t need them, period.  I feel as though the next time I see her face on television, I am going to throw a crowbar at it.

I used to feel a special brand of disdain for people that didn’t keep up with the news, who couldn’t carry an intelligent conversation about current events.  Now?  I UNDERSTAND.

Recession Pasta: It’s What’s For Dinner (Or Lunch, As The Case May Be)

I had Recession Pasta for lunch today.  It involved about a third of a tomato (diced), one thin-sliced clove of garlic, olive oil, crushed red pepper, Italian seasoning, spaghetti, a little shredded cheese, and Lawry’s seasoned salt.  I would have added some pastrami, but I figure I’ll get hungry again tomorrow and that pastrami is about all that’s left.

In my estimation, the great thing about Recession Pasta is that it can be many things for many people.  Mushrooms or even canned vegetables could be added in lieu of, or addition to, the tomatoes.  If you don’t have olive oil, you can use vegetable oil or butter or mostly skip the fat.  The flavor might change a little, but frankly I was using the cheapest, most-pressed olive oil money can buy and it didn’t have much flavor anyway.  Besides, Recession Pasta is not tied to one flavor profile.  You could easily add cream of mushroom soup instead of (or in addition to) cheese.  Meat of any kind would probably be good.  Any kind of pasta works.

I foresee a lot of Recession Pasta in my future.  And that’s all right with me.

Untitled

Once upon a time, someone thought this was a good idea.  For those who won’t look, it’s a Weight Watchers recipe card featuring a beverage that consists of water, beef builon cubes, and sherry extract.  Also a celery stick and, as the commentary points out, “self-loathing.”  The other is skim milk with orange pulp.  Gross.

I am throwing caution to the wind tonight and making super-processed Ro-Tel & Velveeta “queso” for a barbeque I am attending tonight.  I guess it’s just as disgusting in its own special way, especially with the addition of breakfast sausage and sour cream.  But it’s disgusting and also delicious, which is far better than just disgusting.

I’m contemplating a version that substitutes cream cheese for the Velveeta and does away with the sour cream (with Fritos Scoops instead of tortilla chips), but I’m not sure if tonight’s group is one I want to experiment on.  However, I don’t have a crock pot anymore, and I’m thinking the cream cheese dip would fare better without a constant source of heat than Velveeta would.  Hrmm.

I have a Jager headache today.  Even so, I’d love to have it on tap in my kitchen.  I’m adding that to my ludicrous wish-list that includes things like a wine chiller (despite the fact that I’m not a big wine drinker) and a radio for my shower.  This is a separate wish-list from the one of realistic things I would actually use in my daily life.

Taking Charge

I’m up by myself tonight doing laundry.  I really hate laundry, but for some reason, it’s not irritating me too much.  This is probably because I am able to watch what I want on television (first the newest episode of Big Love; currently Engineering An Empire: Persia).

I made some really good spaghetti tonight that I absolutely can’t take credit for, because the sauce came from a jar.  Albertsons store brand is actually my favorite, as weird as that sounds.  When using jarred sauce, I’ve found that the ratio of sauce:meat:pasta is the most important factor in determining whether it will be good or not.  Our magic formula is 16 oz thin spaghetti, 2 pounds of ground beef, and two regular-sized jars of sauce.  And, this time, one regular-sized can of mushrooms (as opposed to the miniature can).  We eat a lot of spaghetti, which has given me plenty of opportunities to get it right.  I sometimes like to make my own sauce, but my kitchen just isn’t stocked for it these days.  When I get a job (if that ever works out for me), I’ll undoubtedly stock my kitchen properly and then go on an anti-convenience-food tirade.  But for now, I appreciate Albertsons’ help.

I’m trying to become happier.  Well, happy.  Happier implies that some baseline level of happiness currently exists, which it does not.  I do a reasonably good job of fooling people into believing otherwise, but it really is a gigantic lie. 

So much of it is money-related.  I’ve been so broke for so long that I’m starting to feel like it’s never going to get better.  I’m all for frugal-chic… For cooking at home, shopping thrift stores and clearance sales, couponing, visiting the library instead of Blockbuster…  But to live any kind of worthwhile life costs at least a little money.  I am not in the type of relationship where money is shared.  If I need something, whether it’s socks or a box of Claritin, I understand quite clearly that I have to figure out a way to get it for myself.  I try not to expend much energy resenting this, because truthfully I would like to be completely self-sufficient. 

It would all be so much easier if I could just get a damned job.  Not being able to find one after all this time has really done a number on me.  Is there a sticker on my back that says “I steal office supplies”?  Because I DON’T.

Anyway, lest I go off on a full-blown tirade about my employability (or lack thereof), I’ll talk a little about what I plan to do about it.  I’ve been applying for jobs anywhere & everywhere, which I’ll continue to do.  In addition to that, I’m going to target administrative jobs in area hospitals and call centers.  Beyond that, I’m seeking out some volunteer opportunities…  That way, I’ll have something worthwhile to do with my time until I get a job (which will hopefully make me feel better about life), and as a nice little bonus, I might be able to do a little networking.

I am also looking into attending church (Unitarian, for those with enquiring minds).  Being involved in more activities, and meeting more people, might help.

Shorty

I remember when I used to think I was a pretty cool person.  I’d like to feel that way again.

Shit List

1.  The police.  No, really.  I have never been helped by the police.  No one that I know has any amazing stories about how they were rescued by the police.  However, everyone seems to have a story about that one time when they got pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt.  Some have stories about failing to pay the ticket and spending a night in jail over it.  Perhaps that says something about my social circle, but I think it more likely says something about the state of law enforcement in our society.  Why the hell does the government get to tell fully grown adults that they are required to wear a seat belt anyway? That is BULLSHIT.  It’s also BULLSHIT that I burned my finger trying to buckle up quickly because a cop pulled up next to me.  And I don’t want to hear about how I should have already been wearing it, because I AM A FUCKING ADULT.  I also don’t want to hear about how I shouldn’t have been smoking in the car, because again, I AM A FUCKING ADULT and I was by myself. 

2.  School zones.  I hate going 20 mph in school zones and I especially hate the fact that the police are crawling the streets right after school lets out, exactly like the fucking cockroaches they are.  I don’t need to see eight police cruisers within a two-block radius.  That just fucks up my day, and given the state of my life, there’s a good chance that my day is already fucked up anyway.

3. Roommates in general, but especially those who complain about FUCKING ADULTS who leave overnight without announcing where they are going and when they will be back.  I don’t live with my parents and EVEN IF I DID, they would have enough respect for the concept that I AM A GROWN ADULT that they wouldn’t demand to know my whereabouts every second of every day.  Similarly, I hate it when my roommate tells me where he’s going every time he leaves the house.  I DON’T FUCKING CARE!!!!  And telling me when he’ll be back only dampens my enthusiasm over the fantasy that maybe he isn’t coming back at all.

4.  Bad manners.  I hadn’t realized how fucking dysfunctional my house is until I stayed with my friend for several days.  During that time, I helped her move.  Do you know what her husband said to me?  “Thank you so much.  We really appreciate all your help with the packing and moving.”  WTF?!?!  Similarly, I was thanked for letting the dog out, changing their toddler’s diaper, and various other menial tasks.  It was amazing.  Sometimes I took the iniative to do things, and other times I asked to do them, but either way, it was all handled with grace and dignity and such.  Nobody sneered at anyone else, nobody guilt-tripped anyone, and everyone was treated with respect.

5.  Fucked-up household dynamics.  At my friend’s house, if you want to watch something on television, YOU CAN.  Because they have more than one television.  And if you didn’t like what was on the television, you could go to a different area of their home and not have to hear it — and nobody ever got upset about that.  Similarly, not one single person was kicked out of the house for the duration of my stay.  There weren’t any passive-aggressive notes, nobody tried to screw anybody else out of money, and there was no squabbling about food.  One time we ran out of Coke.  So you know what those geniuses did?  THEY WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT MORE COKE.

6.  People who STEAL MY ASH TRAY from the front porch and then LIE ABOUT IT.  And then leave evidence that they did it.  I guess this ties into #3.

7.  People who lie to me in general.  I have a pretty fucking good internal lie detector.  Generally I just let the lies slide, because if someone goes to the effort of making up a story for me, I figure it’s the least I can do to let them think I believe it.  But here lately I am just fucking overwhelmed by the sheer number of people who lie to me and have taken to yelling “LIE!!!!!!” really loudly every time someone does it.

8. People who try SO HARD to be different.  Don’t you realize that just makes you exactly like everyone else who is trying to be different? 

I am leaving out some really obvious stuff here, just because I’m fucking sick of talking about it.

O RLY?

Someone just told me about Careerbuilder.com like it was a big secret.

“They have thousands of jobs.  I applied for fourteen today!”

Wow, that’s incredible.  Now do that every day for the next year and get back to me.

Blah, Blah, Blah

I’m back “home” (if one could call it that) for the time being, though I’m not sure precisely how long “the time being” is going to last.  I am not able to just move on and forget the fact that I was forced to freeload off my friend and her husband for the better part of a week.  I’m PISSED about it.  I can’t think of a time in my life when I have been this angry.  I’ve been sadder, for sure.  More hurt.  More vulnerable.  But not more angry.

This would be so much easier if I had a car.  And a job. 

This is a rhetorical question, but really, do you think I LIKE depending on others for my most basic needs?  Seriously now.  Every bit of self-esteem I ever had is completely gone.  Some I threw away, and some has been ripped away.  Occasionally people get it in their heads that they are going to “tell me about myself.”  Apparently, I need a job.  Apparently, I need to take responsibility for my situation.  Guess what?  I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW. 

I am not unemployed because it’s FUN.  I don’t enjoy skipping meals because I can’t afford groceries.  I don’t enjoy using the man’s deodorant because I can’t buy my own.  I don’t enjoy living with fucking assholes and being treated like ”the help” because I’m basically a charity case.  I don’t enjoy my broken nine-year-old glasses that give me a headache.  I don’t enjoy any of it and frankly, I don’t even enjoy it when people do nice things to help me out (for instance, my friend buying me a pair of socks) because it just makes me hate myself even more for not being able to handle my own upkeep.

And I’ve certainly never blamed anyone else for my own shortcomings.  I can list every bad decision I’ve made and the consequences thereof, in excrutiating detail.

The one bright spot in my day is that since I came back here last night, my little cat has been a constant companion.  She is usually very distant and standoff-ish, so it was surprising that she curled up on top of me, under my blanket, and slept there last night.   Even right now, she is sitting at my feet.  I guess she missed me.  I certainly missed her (and my other cat, as well).

Not Breaking Down, Not Yet

I’m an emotional train wreck right now.

I’ve been staying at my friend’s house for a few days, which looks like it’s going to turn into quite a longer stay.  During this time, I’ve contemplated ideas such as:

• Deleting this blog, my various other pages, and basically my entire presence on the internet
• Moving to Alaska
• Drowning myself in more rum than a person should ever drink

I’ve avoided those things so far because 1) deleting my pages is a weak thing to do, and besides, it’s been done; 2) the people in Alaska actually like Sarah Palin, which I take as a sign that they are deranged; 3) I can’t afford rum or much of anything else.

Last night we watched Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married?”  and I have to say that though Tyler Perry’s movies generally make me cringe (think: Madea), it was actually a decent movie and very timely for me.  I also watched Hell’s Kitchen and whatever was on before that.  Also part of a college basketball game involving Arkansas.  This adds up to probably more television than I have watched in the past month all together, but focusing on other things — ANY other things — seems to be a good idea for now.

Other than television, I am also focusing on figuring out how to get a car and jobs (plural).  Another friend is trying to help me get a foot in the door with some companies where he has connections, and between his efforts and mine, hopefully something will turn up.  I’m also looking for part-time weekend & evening crap jobs, because earning more will mean I can get out of here more quickly.  It will also mean less time to think.

Things I Have Learned So Far In 2009

1.  Pineapple juice with rum is fantastic.

2. My roommate is, beyond the shadow of doubt, a pathological liar and in need of an in-depth psychological assessment.  His mother, if she even exists, could use one as well.

3.  All the people who say money and happiness are unrelated are also liars, though perhaps not of the pathological variety.  You’ve got to pay to play.

4.  Things work out better for me when I resist the temptation to shut the world out.