Wow.

I finally got my old (crappy) computer set up, and have been digging through files.  Nearly everything was deleted in a frenzy of frustration and rage last year, but I did keep the old Excel file that contained an electronic version of my check register.

I used to be okay, financially.  Okay, so I had some hard times.  I got paid late on many occasions and life seemed overwhelming.  But I maintained my own place to live, my own vehicle, car insurance, renter’s insurance, a website or two, and a reasonably well-stocked pantry.  I made my student loan payments.  I bought gifts for people.  I took my family out to dinner sometimes, and I donated money to the Red Cross in the aftermath of Katrina.  I loaned money to a friend.  I replaced worn-out clothing.  I even saw movies and bought books occasionally!  I kind of had my shit together.

WTF?!!  I have no way of reconciling that person with the one I am today.

It’s driving me crazy!  Transactions at Half.com, Old Navy, Overstock.com, Benefit Cosmetics and Pizza Hut? YANKEE CANDLE COMPANY?  It seems impossible that I ever had the freedom to spend money on frivolous bullshit.  $75 on clothes for my sister?  These days I can’t even afford socks for mySELF.  Girl Scout Cookies? Seriously?  Blockbuster?  My friend’s cell phone bill?  A new charger for my Palm Pilot?  $60 to 1-800-Flowers.com?!?!??! ARGH.  Granted, these transactions are all spaced out over a period of time.  I didn’t ever have the luxury of just going nuts and blowing hundreds of dollars at once, but I did occasionally get to spend money on things that mattered to me (however unnecessary they might have been).

I don’t even have a fucking bank account anymore!

I honestly feel like banging my head against a brick wall.