The news irritates me.

I don’t CARE if “A-Rod” was taking performance-enhancing drugs in 2003.  I don’t care if he’s snorting coke off the ass of a prostitute in the red light district right this very moment.  I don’t care if YOU are snorting coke off the ass of a  prostitute in the red light district.  I don’t care if Obama smokes cigarettes.  I don’t care if Bush was a cokehead.  I don’t care whether or not Clinton inhaled.  It’s none of my motherfucking business and it’s none of yours either and the world would be a much better place if we’d all mind our own P’s and Q’s.

(Sidebar: Yes, I understand that performance-enhancing drugs make for a less level playing field in sports.  I just cannot believe that it’s being covered with such fervor in mainstream media.  Isn’t there like a recession or something important going on?)

I also don’t care whether or not Chris Brown hit Rihanna.  Really and truly.  I do not give a fuck.

I care even less that Denise Richards is going to be on Dancing With The Stars.

And I’m tired of the octuplets’ mother.  She is a crazy bitch.  I get it.  Where the hell is Child Protective Services?  She already has six kids living in a three-bedroom house with her and her parents.  The minimum standard for FOSTER CHILDREN is that they must have a space of their own, including a bed and dresser, and that there must be a window in the room and it must be at least 10′x12′ (or something like that, depending on the state).  If she can’t take care of them according to the woefully low standards we as a society have set for foster kids, then she doesn’t need them, period.  I feel as though the next time I see her face on television, I am going to throw a crowbar at it.

I used to feel a special brand of disdain for people that didn’t keep up with the news, who couldn’t carry an intelligent conversation about current events.  Now?  I UNDERSTAND.