I’m back “home” (if one could call it that) for the time being, though I’m not sure precisely how long “the time being” is going to last.  I am not able to just move on and forget the fact that I was forced to freeload off my friend and her husband for the better part of a week.  I’m PISSED about it.  I can’t think of a time in my life when I have been this angry.  I’ve been sadder, for sure.  More hurt.  More vulnerable.  But not more angry.

This would be so much easier if I had a car.  And a job. 

This is a rhetorical question, but really, do you think I LIKE depending on others for my most basic needs?  Seriously now.  Every bit of self-esteem I ever had is completely gone.  Some I threw away, and some has been ripped away.  Occasionally people get it in their heads that they are going to “tell me about myself.”  Apparently, I need a job.  Apparently, I need to take responsibility for my situation.  Guess what?  I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW. 

I am not unemployed because it’s FUN.  I don’t enjoy skipping meals because I can’t afford groceries.  I don’t enjoy using the man’s deodorant because I can’t buy my own.  I don’t enjoy living with fucking assholes and being treated like ”the help” because I’m basically a charity case.  I don’t enjoy my broken nine-year-old glasses that give me a headache.  I don’t enjoy any of it and frankly, I don’t even enjoy it when people do nice things to help me out (for instance, my friend buying me a pair of socks) because it just makes me hate myself even more for not being able to handle my own upkeep.

And I’ve certainly never blamed anyone else for my own shortcomings.  I can list every bad decision I’ve made and the consequences thereof, in excrutiating detail.

The one bright spot in my day is that since I came back here last night, my little cat has been a constant companion.  She is usually very distant and standoff-ish, so it was surprising that she curled up on top of me, under my blanket, and slept there last night.   Even right now, she is sitting at my feet.  I guess she missed me.  I certainly missed her (and my other cat, as well).