I’m feeling a little down right now, which I guess isn’t really news worth reporting.
It’s Halloween. That I even care is hilarious, because I didn’t particularly like the holiday as a child and have never celebrated it as an adult. But for some bizarre reason, it’s upsetting me to sit here at home and do nothing. The man is out with a friend of his that he hasn’t seen in a long time, and he’s got the car, so I am stuck. I was going to go to a club with my roommate and his girlfriend, but her dogs either ran away or were stolen this afternoon and she’s (understandably) very upset.
I had been directing my anger at the man, but the truth is he’s done nothing wrong (today). I am glad he’s hanging out with his friend, and they would have let me tag along, but I felt somewhat out of place. What really angers and upsets me is that I don’t have any choices. I don’t have my own car or my own money. I can’t make anything happen by myself. I’m angry and frustrated and feel generally impotent because my life is so utterly dependent upon those around me.
The answer seems so easy, and I guess it IS easy. “Get a job. Get ANY job.” But I am paralyzed by dread and fear. Let’s face it, my last professional job didn’t end so well. Maybe I *don’t* have what it takes to succeed. And working at the gas station was the absolute worst job I have ever had (and there have been some doozies). I am afraid I’ll never get back into my old field, and I’m absolutely terrified of another shit job. I’ve actually hated every job I’ve ever had in one way or another, and it occurs to me that maybe I am just not stable enough to support myself like a responsible adult. How’s THAT for a scary thought? (Especially given that there isn’t exactly a line of people hoping for the chance to take care of me)
I don’t think I was meant to be a housewife either. I loathe doing what I call “bitch work,” and I’m currently expected to do ALL of it since I’m unemployed. So really, I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to be doing in life.
It’s aggravating and frustrating. I don’t like myself, and I don’t like what my life has become, which has happened entirely because of choices that I made. I can be sad all day long that the man doesn’t love me, but I’m the one who stays with him, so at some point it becomes a bad choice on my part. I can be depressed about not having any money, but McDonald’s is always hiring even in this shitty economy, and I’m fully aware of it. Sure, I am bitter as all hell about my stalled career, but no one ever got paid for sitting at home and being angry (that I’m aware of).
Probably I need to be on medication. Which means I need a job to pay for a doctor. This is all so goddamned circular. The bottom-line answer is this: GET A FUCKING JOB. Of course, at the rate I’m going, I’d bomb out on a new job within the first week, which is why I need to be medicated.
