How To Accidentally Spend $100

I spent the evening hanging out with friends and eventually getting kicked out of their apartment’s swimming pool by a rent-a-cop.  After hours?  Pfft.  We weren’t even being loud.

Anyway, without further ado, I present the first article in my series called “How To Spend Far More Money Than You Had Intended.”

Kroger
Pork Roast – 7.38
Chicken Tenderloin – 8.93
Chicken Tenderloin – Free (Buy 1, Get 1)
12-pk Minute Maid Raspberry Something Lite – 3.67
12-pk Minute Maid Cherry Limeade Lite – 3.67
12-pk Vanilla Coke Zero – 3.67
6-pk (.5 liter) Sprite Zero – Free (Buy three 12-pks, get a 6-pk free)
Mission Tortillas 12 ct – 1.00
Mission Tortillas 12 ct – 1.00
Tropicana Pink Lemonade 2 liter – 1.00
Electrasol Dishwasher Detergent – 2.99
Kroger Brand Granola Bars – 2.00
Grapes – 1.85
Corn on the Cob (4) – 1.50
Kiwi (8) – 2.00
Asparagus – 2.96
Scanned Coupon for Tropicana Pink Lemonade – .35
Tripled Coupon for Tropicana Pink Lemonade – .65 (making it free)
Scanned Coupon for Electrasol – 2.25
Total: 42.99
Mfg Coupon Savings – 5.49
Bonus Coupon Savings – 0.65
Kroger Plus Savings – 30.63
Total Savings – 36.77 (46%)

Tom Thumb
Strawberries (1 lb) – 3.99
Strawberries (1 lb) – Free (Buy One, Get One Free)
Yellow Onion – 0.92
Tomatoes – 3.35
Water (24-pk) – 3.50
Total: 11.76
“Remarkable” Savings – 10.81 (48%)

Wal-Mart
Cat Litter – 5.72
Cat Food – 4.42
Lawry’s Marinade – 2.00
Purex Laundry Detergent – 3.47
Great Value Mac & Cheese – 0.66
Great Value Mac & Cheese – 0.66
Roasted Turkey (Deli) – 3.05
Brown Sugar Ham (Deli) – 4.96
Fat Free Milk – 3.00
Multi-Grain Bread – 1.97
Light Sour Cream – 1.43
Skintimate Shave Gel – 2.72
Schick Quattro Disposable Razors – 5.96
Schick Quattro Disposable Razors – 5.96
Eggs – 1.38
Gum – 0.88
Cat Food Coupon: -1.50
Skintimate Coupon: -0.55
Schick Coupon: -5.96
Subtotal – 40.23
Tax – 1.74
Total – 41.97

So I get that there’s a lot of “fat” to be trimmed there.  In all reality, the beverages were completely unnecessary.  We didn’t *need* three 12-packs or a case of water.  They were reasonable deals and I find it more practical than listening to the man complain about not having anything to drink, then watching him take his ass to the gas station for overpriced fountain drinks.  Not a necessity, but nice to have.  The gum?  Yeah, that was $0.88 of pure self-indulgence.  I skipped eyeliner despite the fact that I am out.  I bought shitty disposable razors instead of refills for my regular razor, and …

I could explain this all day long, and I am probably going to have to, which irritates me.  But what irritates me even more is that my stockpile is so depleted that I had to go out and pay full price for stuff like laundry soap.  $3.47 for PUREX? At WAL-MART?  Is this a joke?  It was a full dollar cheaper last time I checked.  All Small & Mighty has apparently increased in price by $1.50 in the last three months.  I didn’t need to buy toilet paper this week, but looking at prices on it made me want to run for the hills.  Where the hell is CVS when you need it? (Answer: having fake-ass back to school sales)

I don’t get it.  I certainly didn’t buy everything I laid my eyes on.  There were lots of things I wanted, like Popsicles and Key Lime yogurt and Cheez-Its.  I already had cereal and some frozen vegetables.  I am a veteran bargain shopper, and even though I tried to pick healthier items, it absolutely blows my mind that I spent nearly $100 on groceries for two people.  And they aren’t even going to last longer than a week!!!!

I am frustrated by that and I am frustrated by the fact that I somehow managed to miss a call from an employment agency last week.  They had a placement and needed me to start the next day… And I didn’t even know I had a voice mail until tonight.  It’s my own stupid fault for getting too wrapped up in relationship drama and not paying better attention.  Now, I not only didn’t get the placement (which paid well and was in a law firm), but I look like a fucking flake to the agency.  What I need more than anything else in the world is MONEY and I missed the opportunity to make some in an environment I actually find interesting.

Fuck!

Turbulence

I haven’t written here in a week, and it’s been one hell of a turbulent week.  I guess you could say I brought it on myself by snooping around in information that was not meant for my eyes.

I spent many years telling my mother that “ten out of ten times, when you go snooping around, you’ll find out things you’ll later wish you didn’t know.”  In fact, I was so dedicated to this point of view that I kept a “fake” journal for her benefit.  I wrote mean things in it and decided that she deserved to read them because she couldn’t leave my fucking diary alone.

Well, I guess you could say I got a taste of my own medicine.  I went snooping around in the man’s text messages and learned that he had met a girl online…  And that it was actually a pretty serious thing.  Things like being brought together by “the Universe” were mentioned.  She changed her Myspace page daily to reflect her happiness at having found The One — which I, of course, found and checked in on obsessively.  I was obviously hurt by all of this.  It’s not that I don’t understand why he’d feel lonely enough to seek out companionship… It’s just that I wish he would have broken up with me before finding the next one.

My immediate plan was to get the fuck out of Dodge.  Every time his phone lit up, it felt like a piece of my heart was dying.  And when he’d shut the bedroom door and call her (and talk for hours upon hours)?  I’d just sit in the living room and cry.  I called my mom to come and get me, put all my furniture up for sale on Craigslist, and quit my job.

And then things took a turn.  They met up in person and I guess the chemistry wasn’t there or something.  Plus, my mom spent a good deal of time talking about money — money for gas to get here, money for groceries, money for me to drive around looking for and going to a job, money that they don’t have, etc.  Well guess what?  I don’t have any money.  And I really don’t want to leave Dallas.  And so I am still here… and so we are “trying again.”

I definitely won’t forget this and don’t know if I can forgive.  I would have been more likely to forget & forgive a meaningless fuck with a bar slut than a real emotional connection with complete with mushy text messages referencing “the Universe.”  I don’t hate him… in fact, I love him deeply, but I know that I’m not anything he really wants (as evidenced by this girl being so.incredibly.different.from.me).  He has moments of being interested in me… which mostly seem to occur when he notices that someone *else* is interested in me.

I feel like a fool to know that he was developing a romance with some woman while I was taking out garbage and ringing up hot dogs at the gas station.  I feel stupid for not having seen it coming.  I feel… I feel a lot of things.  And I wish I could blink myself back two weeks or… well, six months would do.

I’m trying to very hard to find my way in life.

Another Blast From The Past

My internet connection is screwed up. It’s been on and off – mostly off – all day. This irritates me because I am supposed to be working, and my current work is of the variety that requires a constant internet connection. I wasn’t terribly productive yesterday and am now getting further and further behind.

However, this down time has given me the opportunity to ruminate on one of my favorite subjects: how boring I am.

Generally, to call a person boring is an insult. Today’s world values individuality and a certain sort of “alternative personality.” We are all supposed to be unique. Our interests should be varied, our clothing should be different, and we should turn our noses up at the mainstream. It is not enough to be well-educated; one should be fluent in Mandarin. It isn’t enough to be active; one should list “hiking in the foothills of Venezuela” as a hobby. It’s okay to have a boring job, but only if you also happen to be in a band… Or if you’re a photographer, a writer, an artist, or a stripper.

I first started noticing the Goths when I was in my early teens. How could one not notice them? Everything about them was strange… different. Their hair, their clothes, the music they liked, the things they talked about. And yet, in one important way, they were just like every other high school clique – they would hang out together and exclude people who weren’t part of their group. The Barbie-like popular girls were no different, with their heavily-processed hair and overpriced clothes. Nor were the jocks, or the art kids, or the band kids, or the stoners, or any of the groups. They all chose symbols to set themselves apart from the group at large, only to form smaller groups that were noticably homogenous.

I chose to single out the Goths for this example because they were, at least in my experience, the most vocal about being “different.” They were also somewhat more aware of the meaning of their symbols; they chose bizarre clothes and hairstyles because they knew they were different from everyone else and wanted something to symbolize that, something to call their own. It was an organized type of “different-ness” that ultimately drew in a number of people who would never have identified with those particular symbols had they not already been feeling left out of other groups.

It didn’t work that way for all the groups. The Barbie girls, for instance, didn’t choose teenage perfection because they felt unaccepted by society at large. They chose perfection because it made them feel better about themselves, and earned them a status they coveted. The “stoner” wardrobe was certainly not as well thought out either; a lot of those kids wore Grateful Dead shirts before they even knew what a Deadhead was; tie-dye looks pretty groovy with faded jeans and beat-up sneakers. At least it does when you’re high.

Certainly the groups chose their symbols differently, and most of them did so with less conscious deliberation than the Goths. Their commonality was not in the similarity of their symbols or the way they were chosen, but rather, in the existence of the symbols and the way individuals chose to group themselves together.

High school was the first step in moving away from the ordinary. Sometime early in college, or around age 19-20 for those who didn’t go to college, came the clouded realization that they weren’t so different after all. They were all the same, but in different ways. And thus began cultural fusion. The Barbies picked up photography and the Jocks joined bands and the Goths took up golfing. It was slow going, but by the age of 25-30, they all felt like they’d “grown up” – they had abandoned the need to be different and grown into themselves. Their very unique, individual selves.

I wonder how I escaped such a fate and it occurs to me that I didn’t. I’m just part of a different group – we’ll call it the “Hip to be Square” group. I don’t know who my fellow group members are, but if my thesis is that individuality does not really exist, then I certainly don’t get to be the exception.

For my own amusement, I present the tenets of the Hip to be Square group:

1. Be unimpressed by independent films, alternative music, classic literature, and most other subjects that others choose to be snobbish about. You don’t actually have to hate it, and you can even like some of it, but don’t allow yourself to become “one of them.”
2. You should enjoy doing boring things, like reading best sellers, making lists, and watching the Discovery Home channel.
3. You should be able to discuss current events and world affairs, but you should also be able to stop discussing it when the person you are talking to gets bored or begins showing signs of distress.
4. You should think that the colors beige and burgundy are good colors to decorate with. You should eschew orange. And yes, you should care.
5. You should drive a fundamentally uncool car, like a Ford Taurus or a station wagon of any variety. You should actually like your car and should not secretly covet one of those ridiculous-looking H3’s.
6. You should hate Dr. Phil and be wary of self-help and pop psychology in general.
7. You should, however, like Oprah and forgive her for foisting Dr. Phil onto the world. You could draft her into a presidential campaign.
8. You should publicly admit to liking Cheddars and Outback Steakhouse. You do not have to like, or admit to liking, Friday’s, Applebees, or Olive Garden.
9. You should make children eat their vegetables and pick up their toys.
10. You should embrace consumerism to the point that it is reasonable for you to do so. You should also learn to live within your means. These aren’t so contradictory.
11. You should write pointless blog entries in the middle of the day. You should, however, resist the temptation to use your blog for the purpose of passive-aggressive assholery.
12. You should hate children and puppies. And kittens. And iguanas. Really, all mammals and reptiles and amphibians.

Just kidding about that last one.

(circa March 2007)

Reflections From The Past, As 27 Creeps Up On Me

Another night, another fight about my many inadequacies… and the fact that I am depressed.  Who knew?

It’s currently after 4 am and I am purging/organizing my computer files.  I came across something I wrote last year, something it actually took me several minutes to recall writing.  It was going to be the start of my next big novel.  Instead, it is nothing but a few nearly-forgotten paragraphs destined to end up no further than my blog.

Oh well.

She told me that even lost love had its rewards, that in my desperation I was missing an important message from the universe. I wanted to gouge her eyeballs out with a fork and pour salt into her eye sockets. Perhaps that would take her a step closer to the spiritual truth she was always mumbling about.

Instead, I blinked back a tear. As I was formulating my response, she excused herself for a bathroom break. And I did the only thing in the world that made sense to me – I hightailed it out of the diner and out of the state of Oklahoma.

Yes, it was reckless, but it seemed safety had failed me. Or perhaps I had failed it. Either way, I had managed to reach the age of 27 without accomplishing much of anything or even having fun in the process.

What If?

So it turns out there is at least a little satisfaction in having done a solid day’s work, when there aren’t people hovering over you and telling you what to do.  For me, at least, I’ll be 1000 times more productive if I am allowed to take initiative and direct my own day rather than being told that “trash must be done at 11″ when I know damned well there is no such rule.

It also helps that I didn’t puke 10 times today.  In fact, I merely puked two times today, which I suppose is tolerable in comparison to 10.

I’ve had this theory/fear that perhaps I am pregnant.  Last night I took a pregnancy test to disprove the theory.  I’ve since been villified for having spent the money on it, which makes me EXTREMELY happy that it came out negative, because who wants a baby with someone who gets angry about spending $10 on a pregnancy test?

I am actually still a little afraid that I tested too early, because my periods are erratic and I don’t typically keep track of when I am expected to start.  Of the “symptoms” of pregnancy, I feel like I have…. oh, all of them.  Then again, it could just be a combination of some sort of flu bug and intense paranoia.  So for the time being, I am taking the test at face value, and will re-test at a later time if needed.

Having had some time to think about it, I am still ambivalent on the subject of having children.  I guess that theoretically, if I were financially stable and emotionally stable and in the type of relationship that would be conducive to child-rearing, I would like to have one child.  This is something of a departure from my previous stance of “NEVER EVER EVER AMEN.” 

But within the framework of my current life?  Babies need not apply.  I work in a gas station. I don’t have health insurance, I don’t have a car, I don’t have family nearby.  I have the worst credit score I have ever seen.  I am not married and probably won’t become married.  And the only possible baby-daddy is in the bedroom with the door closed, talking to his “friend” on the phone, who happens to be a female that he “used to” be at least somewhat romantically interested in, and with whom he also spent five hours talking on the phone last night.

Thank you but no.

However… And perhaps it’s just because I am getting older… Or because my friends are settling down and having children… There is a twinge of “what if?”  What if someone loved me for me, and what if we were able to swing a kid?  What if I were able to do it right this time?  What if I were able to maintain my own identity as an individual and still be a mother?

These are all pointless questions because I’m a million miles away from turning “what if?” into reality.  I can’t even take care of mySELF at this juncture in time.  My life is a jumbled disaster, I live with someone who hates me at least half the time, and what used to be a promising career has turned into “would you like the 1/4 pound or 1/8 pound hot dog this afternoon, sir?”

If Ifs And Buts Were Candy And Nuts, We’d All Have A Merry Christmas

I’m still sick of work.  Actually I’m just sick in general, and it turns out that the physical activity associated with work stirs up the gunk in my stomach and makes me puke.  10 times in 6 hours.  That’s a personal best.  Once was IN MY OWN HANDS while helping a customer.

So imagine my utter joy at the realization that I don’t have to work tomorrow.

I’m feeling increasingly disconnected from the world.  It’s like no one understands me at all, as gay and emo as it sounds.  The man and I are… well, we are just on very separate pages with regards to just about everything.  I don’t know how to bridge the gap.  I know that I’m cold and unaffectionate, but damn if I don’t find it impossible to reach out right now, when it feels like I am fighting the world… to use an old analogy of mine, I feel like I’m fighting a forest fire with a bottle of Aquafina.

And I’m pretty sure he’d be happier without me.

I’m actually a little worried about possibly losing my shitty job.  In two weeks, I’ve missed one day and left about an hour early on two occasions.  And yeah, sure, everybody gets sick… But ultimately, if I can’t make it through a shift without puking my guts up, I probably can’t continue to work there.  What’s worse is that I am … not getting better.  Today my throat and ears started aching and I got terribly congested.  When colds/sinuses/whatever set in with me, they generally stay for a while.  I don’t have money for doctors or even a box of fucking Claritin, and there’s about a fifty percent chance that the Claritin wouldn’t work even if I could afford it.

Basically, I hate my life.  There.  I said it.  My life is the culmination of 26 years of poor decisions and instead of dealing with it like an adult, I want to run away with my tail between my legs (which would, undoubtedly, be another poor decision).  But I don’t particularly have anywhere to run, which is another result of the aforementioned poor decisions.

I don’t know how to fix anything right now.  I haven’t the slightest clue.

On The Upswing

Last night’s Crash Hot Potatoes turned out nicely.  Probably not as nice as PW’s, because I had to alter the ingredients to fit what I had on hand — which meant halved russet potatoes instead of whole red potatoes, table salt instead of kosher salt, and dried “Italian Seasoning” instead of rosemary.  But I still ended up with an excellent dish (made even more so by the addition of sour cream) and my crock pot bbq chicken sandwiches were good enough that even the kiddo scarfed hers up.  I was pleased!

Today was a decent day at work, even though it didn’t go exactly as planned.  I was supposed to work from 6-12 and spend the entire time on computer learning modules.  Instead, my alarm clock forgot to wake me up, and I didn’t get to clock in til after 8:30.  Then I spent the next six hours waiting for the computer to free up — ie helping customers, making coffee, wiping down surfaces, taking out the garbage, and mopping the floor.  I finally got to do some of the computer work for a few hours before I left.

I must be starting to adjust, because even though I am tired, I don’t feel like crawling in a hole and dying right now.  That’s always a good thing, right?

I think tonight will be the first night since I’ve had this job that I have been able to do anything productive after work.  I am going to do some laundry and dishes.  And then I’m going to bed, because tomorrow is another 6-2 shift.